One of the uncomfortable things about being human is that we don’t get to decide how other people experience us.
We know what we meant. We know why we said what we said or did what we did. We know the context, the pressures, what happened five minutes before and the twelve other things we were thinking about at the time.
And, from where we’re sitting, our actions can make perfect sense.
But other people don’t experience our intentions. They experience our behaviour and the impact it has on them. And every now and then, someone is brave enough to tell us that their experience of us wasn’t quite the one we thought we were creating.
Which is where things can get interesting.
We talk a lot about the skill of giving feedback. How to say it, when to say it, which model to use and how to make sure it lands well. But we hear much less about the skill of receiving it.
Because, let’s be honest, when the feedback is “You handled that brilliantly,” it’s quite easy to receive. Why, thank you. I thought so too.
But when we hear something we weren’t expecting, or discover that something we said or did didn’t land in quite the way we intended, that’s when the sleeves can start to get rolled up.
Because what you probably don’t understand is… There was a reason I… You need to know the context…
We defend our position, explain our intent, correct their version of events and, before we know it, a conversation that could have helped us understand our impact has turned into conflict.
So, let’s try this a different way.
At The Training Rock, we talk a lot about the fact that we all think and behave differently. What drives one person might barely register for another. What one person brushes off, another might think about for days.
Becoming an effective leader isn’t about being the best technical person at whatever your team does. It’s about getting the best out of the people you lead, which means understanding what drives them, what they fear, what they need, and how all of that interacts with your behavioural traits.
But to get the best out of other people, you need to be able to get the best out of yourself. And if you can’t receive uncomfortable feedback without immediately reaching for your armour then, ahem, why would you expect your team to?
In our Human Leadership programme, there are lots of things we encourage people to do when they hear feedback that makes them squirm, but here are two that are worth trying.
Firstly, assume good intent. It might have taken the person sitting opposite you an hour of sweating and a bucketful of courage to have this conversation. If they’ve decided to say it, there’s a good chance it matters to them. So before you explain, defend or correct, get curious about what they’re trying to tell you.
Secondly, notice what you’re protecting. Why is this feedback so triggering? Is it poking at your fear of underperforming? Hello, Cheetah. Or perhaps your fear of rejection? Hello, Dog. Because when feedback hits one of those fears, it can very quickly become much bigger in our heads than the thing that was actually said.
Someone telling you that your presentation was a few minutes too long doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It doesn’t mean they think you’re rubbish, and it definitely doesn’t mean everyone hates you. It might simply mean that your presentation would have landed better if it had been a couple of minutes shorter.
That’s it. Feedback is information, and we get to decide what we do with it. But we can only do that if we’ve actually heard it before we start defending ourselves against it.
So perhaps it’s time we put as much effort into learning how to receive feedback as we do into learning how to give it.
Rock on,
Jo